


Lost in Thought

by Sheerclaw



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Angst, Emotional, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Oneshot, after chapter 243, dont base how serious this fic is off the tags, end my life, first fic, i guess idk, i promise its not as bad as i am, i tried guys, like two or three weeks after, please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 09:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14808482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheerclaw/pseuds/Sheerclaw
Summary: Sometimes Mo Guan Shan gets lost in thought. Sometimes he falls into a trance and can't stop wondering why nothing makes sense to him anymore. Sometimes he wonders why it always boils down to He Tian. Sometimes Mo Guan Shan can't stop himself from crying. And sometimes he can't stop himself from running back to He Tian.Scratch that.He can never stop himself.





	Lost in Thought

**Author's Note:**

> wowie is this a first fic?  
> (and probably last)  
> you betcha
> 
> anyway i took this seriously dont worry  
> i just dont take myself seriously
> 
> also beware because i know very little about emotions and thus have a hard time writing emotional boys sorry this is bad lol

     Mo stared at his reflection in the mirror and traced his pale skin with quivering hands. He felt the edges of his face, the strands of red hair, the corners and indents of his eyes and cheeks. He was mesmerized by his own hand and watched as it glided over his skin. What had these hands felt? Blood, skin, pain. What had this skin done? Bruised, healed, cut, bruised again. He was always like this a few weeks after a big fight. He had always found himself entranced by his own ability to turn purple and blue and red only to once more fade into pale peach and fire. He was used to finding his skin painted and he was even more accustomed to watching himself return to normal, although perhaps more sour than before.

 

    Mo wondered if one day, he would look into the mirror to stare at himself and find damage he couldn't repair. He wondered if anyone would ever care enough to try to sew him back up. He wondered why the only one to ever save him was He Tian. He tried to understand what it was that made him keep coming back to the demon. Mo Guan Shan was used to staring at a mirror and not knowing who was looking back. He was used to the constant state of confusion and hopelessness. He was used to a lot of things.

 

     What he was not used to, however, was the sudden knock against the bathroom door. Guan Shan snapped out of his trance and became aware of what he was doing. He decided he looked like an idiot so he stopped whatever it was that had been.

 

     “Little Mo~ Come on out already. Dinner’s getting cold and you made it look so delicious.”

 

     Oh, yeah, that. Guan Shan had been too entranced by his own reflection and thoughts that he’d completely forgotten that he hid from He Tian in the apartment’s bathroom. The devil was, after all, the reason Mo questioned everything about himself these days.

 

     “Fuck off, bastard. I’ll take my own damn time.” Mo said that, but immediately tidied up his appearance and opened the door as if he hadn’t tried something disobedient. He was funny like that. He kept finding himself saying one thing and meaning or doing the exact opposite.

 

 _I don’t need your help_.

 

     He obviously did.

 

_I’m not following you anywhere, chicken dick._

 

     He was always a step behind.

 

_I hate you._

 

     Mo stopped that train of thought right there. He stalked over to He Tian’s counter and sat next to him on a bar stool. He Tian had demanded beef stew for the millionth time, and as much as Guan Shan had struggled to not get dragged into being a maid again, he always found himself crawling back to He Tian’s strange mixture of danger and comfort.

     He Tian dug into his food with vigor and delight while Mo pushed around the floating vegetables and protein with disinterest. His mind kept on distracting itself with memories of He Tian saving him from loan sharks, from She Li, from his own frustration. Guan Shan kept asking himself why the solution to his problems was always the same person, and why said person caused more emotional turmoil than any other issue in his mountain of conflict. The whole thing made Shan more anxious and confused with himself.

     The bastard in question noticed his companion’s distractedness and didn’t let that sit quietly. “Guan Shan. Did something happen? You’re distant.”

     “Fuck off. It doesn’t concern you.”

     “ _Of course_ it concerns me.” He Tian leaned in closer, hovering at Mo’s shoulder. “Don’t make me ask again.”

     There goes that bastard again, threatening him when trying to be concerned. What a dick. Mo Guan Shan huffed and remained silent, responding only by cowering away from He Tian’s aura.  He just wanted to disappear, to not have to never know anything about himself. Tian grabbed Mo’s shoulder, and although the touch was gentle, it was the last straw and caused Guan Shan to flinch away, ripping himself off the bar stool. He Tian stood to face him and the atmosphere changed a few shades darker, a few tones tenser.

     Neither of them moved, both too anxious of the other’s potential reaction. One of them would have to budge, and it was He Tian. He had tried to take a step forward, arm outstretched in an attempt to place a calming hand on Guan Shan’s shoulder once more. Like before, it caused Mo to yank himself away.

     “Stop fucking touching me! God dammit, He Tian, you fucking--”

     Mo Guan Shan’s stress boiled away to anger, as it usually did. He didn’t understand why he felt so fucking exposed, so god damn _raw_ in these situations. Mo tightened his hands into fists, not really wanting to fight out of fear of more cracked ribs and colored skin and crimson blood, but there wasn’t any other way to really control his vexation.

     “I can’t fucking deal with this right now.”

     “Then let me help.”

     “No way in hell! You’re the fucking reason that I can’t fucking--”

 

     He felt like screaming and shouting and letting his rage lose. He didn’t. He knew it would end in tears and He Tian’s arms. Mo felt like that was the last thing he needed. He kept it inside, trying not to let it bubble over and burn both of them.

 

     He Tian let out a deep breath, obviously trying to control his own wrath. Granted, Tian’s anger was ten times more terrifying than Guan Shan’s. They both knew that. Only one of them cared right then.

 

     “How many times,” He Tian took a step forward, “do I have to show you,” another step, “that you can fucking rely on me?”

 

    With that, He Tian lunged forward and pushed Guan Shan to the ground. Mo tried to lash out with all his strength to fight back, but strong hands held him down. He Tian wrestled them into a position with Mo’s hands on either side of his face, Tian using his weight to immobilize the redhead’s legs.

 

    “Get the fuck off me, bastard!”

 

    He Tian let Guan Shan ride out his burst of anger, huffing and fighting and thrashing. He waited until Mo had to stop out of exhaustion and then leaned closer to Mo’s face.

 

    “ _Are you done yet_ ?” He Tian had used _that_ voice. It made Guan Shan freeze and shiver.

 

    Mo Guan Shan managed to mutter something affirmative in his response, the sudden spell over, and He Tian let him go. Guan Shan let himself recover from the abrupt jolt of fright and something he couldn’t quite identify before moving. They sat up on the floor, each waiting for the other to start talking. Mo sighed and shook his head, trying to understand what the fuck he was supposed to say.

 

    “I just don’t fucking understand.”

 

    There. At least Guan Shan had said something, right? He tried to ignore how his voice had quivered and gritted his teeth in an effort to manage his scrambled emotions.

 

    “Understand what, Guan Shan?”

 

    Mo thought of the potential answers he could give. He settled on all of them, his throat tightening, eyes burning.

 

    “You. Me. Why you keep fucking helping me. Why you always make me question _everything_ about myself.”

 

    The tears fell rather slowly. He Tian was too shocked to pull Mo Guan Shan into his arms.

 

    “It’s like I never fucking know what to do. I’m always wrong. I’m always in need of saving and for some god awful reason you’re always there to clean up my mess. For what? What do you want from me, He Tian? Why do you keep acting like you _care_ so much?”

 

    Guan Shan’s voice had gotten tighter, his tears falling faster and his hands clenched once more. He couldn’t even bring himself to look up at He Tian. He felt too embarrassed by his own weakness and stupidity. He just wanted the world to swallow him up so he wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore.

 

    He Tian rested his hands over Guan Shan’s.

 

    “ _Shan_. It’s alright, stop crying. Look at me.”

 

    Mo raised his head and one of He Tian’s hands came up to wipe away the warm tears with his thumb. Guan Shan still didn’t know how to feel about Tian being gentle.

 

    “I really care about you, Mo Guan Shan. I care about you because you’re the only one who doesn’t make me feel so fucking lonely. I care because you make me happy. I care because I..”

 

    Guan Shan sniffed and tried to memorize every detail about He Tian. His dark eyes, his sensitive expression, his hesitant lips. He Tian never hesitated. Guan Shan already knew what he was going to say. He didn’t stop him anyway.

 

    “Because I really love you, Guan Shan. I don’t want you to forget that, and I don’t want you to run away from me.”

 

    Mo Guan Shan let his tears roll from his again, but this time fell into He Tian’s shoulder and buried his face into Tian’s warmth.

 

    Of all his problems, He Tian was Mo’s favorite. Maybe it wasn’t so bad to not know himself as long as he knew He Tian would be there to guide him.

 

    “Bastard. Stop making me so complicated.”

**Author's Note:**

> smh i will never be as good as pots
> 
>  
> 
> why did i waste my time and yours writing this gdi


End file.
